The Turkey Bowl Recap

“The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people you might never ever introduce yourself to, had life not done it for you.” -Kendall Hailey -------------------- “Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it.” -Heywood Hale Broun ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Springdale, AR (Family Press International) – A great nephew, though vastly underrated by the high school team he plays for, caught two fantastic touchdown passes to lead the Ahsweepes to a 14-7 victory over the Butholays in the Upteenth Annual Turkey Bowl, played on the front lawn of Uncle Larry and Aunt Jackie’s residence this past Thanksgiving. Junior center Jonathan ‘the Mean Machine’ caught the first of the two TD passes from his father, Geoff ‘Living his Second Childhood through his Children’ midway through the third quarter of play, beating out several defensive members of the secondary, including his brother, Brian ‘B-Ri’ and cousin Gage ‘Ewh Newh’, into the end zone, which was marked by a lamp post. The final TD came at the end of regulation when the Mean One connected again under heavy coverage, this time almost spilling out onto the street corner. The Ahsweepes’ offensive front lines were solidified by the imposing figure of ‘Uncle Nature Boy’ Barry, who has been known to be offensive on many occasions through no fault of his own. While Thanksgiving dinner put a noticeable crimp in his speed against the Brian-Gage combo, it was enough to hold back the attack of sack-master brother Patrick ‘The Neurotic One’ throughout the matchup (in fact, both brothers were the only ones who went back for seconds that day). Helping out their dad on offense were the famed ‘Terrible Twins’, Alex ‘Twilight Princess’ and Nikki ‘the Future Mrs. Cullen’, who played alongside Cousin Katie ‘Nail Breaker’ in the backfield. Katie also doubled rushing for several carries, but the defense of the Neurotic One, who quit smoking only three weeks before, held her to short yardage and stopped at least one embarrassing spill on the front steps. Assisting the Ahsweepes in the backfield was a harassing defense from Aunt Mel, ‘the cook from ‘Alice’’, whose sharp wit and sarcasm sent at least one opponent crying to Mommy, but she’s all better now. The Butholays were led in rushing by nephew Jeremy ‘Soy Un Perdedor’, who brazenly crossed over onto the sidewalk on several failed attempts before scoring the team’s lone score in the third quarter on a solo scamper around the front porch into the neighbor’s driveway. A review of the play showed him clearly staying within the sideline set by the Gus the Dachshund’s last constitutional. Contributing to the rushing attack for the losing side was ‘Speedball Jay’, who also played in the secondary against his wife, ‘Two-Fisted Amy’, who was playing for the Ahsweepes. Butholay center/nose guard Charlotte ‘the Virtuoso’ was instrumental in several defensive tackles, including what was supposed to be an easy run for ‘Lil’ Morgan’, but nobody told her she was supposed to get through. She was later called on a penalty for grabbing Aunt Mel’s bra-strap. Meanwhile, ‘Marvelous Mark, the Red-Headed Stranger’ was also part of a solid Butholay defensive line. Under the tutelage of Brian and Gage, the 3’6” bundle of M-80 exploded through the Ahsweepes front line several times, mostly sneek-sneek-sneeking around his dad, to harass the QB on several occasions. In a rare display of caution among all parties, the usual abrasions, bumps, sprains and broken garden pottery that set the standard for the game were noticeably absent, although Butholay line-person Aunt Leslie ‘The Eliminator’ nearly took out Amy on the sidewalk right in front of ‘Granny’ and ‘Papa’ Bill. The hosts for the affair, Uncle Larry, ‘the One True Hog Fan’, and Aunt Jackie, ‘the Second Coming’, sat out the game this year nursing a bum knee. Aunt Carla, ‘the Great Earth Mother’ was also sidelined as son Peter ‘Wii Man’ was beset with ennui because he couldn’t play video games with no one in the house. The victory puts the Ahsweepes into no post-season bowl contention, but the team did get first dibs on the sweet potato and egg custard pies at the conclusion of the game. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -Story submitted by sportswriter ‘Red’ Ruffansore-